Followers

19 Jul 2009

CATATAN RINDU ~~ Kisah mak buyung yg keseorangan.

Another week passed by... Leaving me, alone. I'm missing him. I do , really. There's nothing I want more than his existence here with me.

Aku baru je selesai solat Isyak. Aduhai, solat kali ni, aku nangih lagi. Tengah2 sujud, wajah asben ku terbit. Walaupun perit tahan rindu pada suami, tapi rindu isteri pada suami kerana Allah Taala..... menjanjikan syurga buatku di atas segala korban jiwa yg aku buat ni. Untungnya kahwin ni, semua menda yg kita buat, dikira pahalanya. Apa saja yg aku buat demi asben, dengan adanya redha si dia... segalanya mudah bagi aku. Walaupun kehidupan aku tak macam org lain, aku masih lagi dilihat gumbira tanpa gundah... lebih bahagia daripada org yg ada segalanya.

Kenapa jadi mcm tu?

Jawapan nye.... REDHA.

Kalu takde rasa redha dalam jiwa, stress akan datang. dan masa tu mula lah konflik. Konflik ni memacam jenis. Dan konflik ni jadi teruk, bila setan datang tambah api. Tatkala tu, mulalah jadi kes ungkit mengungkit sbg contoh "kenapa asik saya je kena buat menda ni?" , kes banding-membanding misalan " cuba tgk si peah tu... suami dia romantik aje! tak macam awak." dan juga kes mencari salah pasangan tak pasal-pasal.

All of those will lead us to unending fight.... walaupun sebenarnya kita taknak gaduh, tapi sbb ada unsur2 cam ni lah yg boleh jadi salah faham, tarik muka... mencari kelemahan masing-masing. Pastu, bila dah gadoh , habih cter zaman dulu pon leh kuar. Sudahnye, gaduh, rajuk, syak wasangka..... pastu bila time nak minta maaf, masing2 berat mulut. Kalau yg rajin mintak maaf pulak slalu je ckp "apsal asik aku je yg minta maaf. apsal asik aku je yg beralah..." Lepas tu, bila masalah tak selesai, kepala sakit, stress, jiwa kacau dan mulalah mempersoalkan "kenapalah aku diuji sedemikian rupa........??"

Pada sesiapa yg rasa dirundung masalah seperti di atas, aku takleh le kata aku terer dlm explain menda camnih. Aku tak rasa aku bagus. But, aku yg menulis ni, melalui setiap detik... Dan aku akui nak idup bukan senang. Di zaman yg serba mencabar ni, manusia kena belajar beralah dan menerima apa yg ada. Kalau tak kena, cuba ubah. Kalau takleh ubah, blah je. Ingat, setiap menda yg kita buat ada risiko.

Aku? Aku tau, pilihan aku berisiko. Kata org, kawin ngan Navy ni bahaya. Gatal... Banyak pompuan... Sosial... suma negatif bagai. Tu tak termasuk ngan ancaman kena tinggal lama oleh suami, sbb tugasan. Dan semasa tugasan pun, suami tu leh je wat menda tak ketahuan kat belakang.

Well.... sampai camtuh skalinye kutuk encik navy aku. HAHAAH... adatlah. Takyah le nak ckp Navy. Takyah jadi Navy pon leh gatal pe. Driver lori pun bleh, pekerja bank buleh.... menteri kabinet pun buleh... penjual goreng pisang pun boleh juge! Toksah tgk jejauh, tgk kawan opis kite kat sebelah pun, leh je gatal ngan org lain sedangkan bini dia kijo satu tempat ngan dia. So, adakah kerana pekerjaan , manusia leh jadi gatal?

I took my chances. And, yes.... aku diuji dgn duduk jejauh ngan asben. Lumut - KL. Dan, aku tinggal di KL BERSEORANGAN, tanpa sesiapa pun temankan aku. Aku gi kijo sendiri, dengan kereta suami sediakan untuk aku. Sebelum ada kereta, aku naik moto. Suma buat sendiri. Kereta rosak, sendiri bawak repair. Jamban rosak, sniri handle. Cuma kalo lampu siling tak nyala je dan ada menda2 yg aku takleh buat, aku minta tolong kengkawan atau jiran. Takpun, aku tgu je asben balik soh dia buat.

Aku pregnant tak lama lepas tu. Dan masa awal pregnant, aku gilir2 ngan asben. Ada masa aku drive, balik Lumut jumpa dia. Ada masa, dia lak balik KL jumpa aku. Naik bas. Tapi, hanya pada hujung minggu dapat jumpa. Dan sepanjang masa kehamilan, aku uruskan sniri diri aku. Sedih, sbb asben tiada di sisi masa tgk baby dalam perut bergerak buat kali pertama masa scan di bulan ke-5. Sakit, demam, semput, sakit betis, kejang, muntah , pitam..... You name it. He's not here, to share the moment. Aku kuatkan semangat, demi kasih sayang aku. Aku kawin kerana cinta, dan sebelum aku pilih dia , aku dah pun tau yg aku bakal berhadapan dengan menda2 macam ni. So, aku tak kisah. Sbb tu la aku slalu cakap... LOVE MAKES PEOPLE DO CRAZY AND UNEXPECTED THINGS.

Orang sekeliling nampak aku cool je. Ramai juga yg susah hati. But, I carry myself well. Cuma, ada masa aku teramat letih dan sakit, aku kerap MC. Tu jelah ketidakseronokan yg aku alami. Setiap hari, aku sms asben. Paling sikit pun satu je di malam hari masa nak tido. Cukuple sekadar "Gud nite Cyg..." Tujuannye, nak gitau dia yg aku ni sihat lagi dan ingat pada dia.

Kami jarang call. Sbb, takde menda nak ckp sangat. Biasanya kami ber sms je. Ada time sms gurau2. SMS pun simple2. Takde pun tanye kabar ke apa. Suka ati jelah nak sms pasal apa pun. Kengkadang, sms pun main hantar simbol2 je. Saje ngabihkan duit bayar bil kan? Asben jarang tanye kabar. Dia tak penah tanye "awak apa khabar?", "awak sihat?" dan seumpamanya.... tapi, dia tetap sms. BIasanya, aku je yg sesaja gtau keadaan aku kat sini. Takyah dia suruh pun.

So........................

Takyah le terasa hati, kalu pasangan anda tak tanye khabar anda. Takyah terasa hati kalo pasangan anda bagi respon cam cipan bila kita pulun antar sms. Ada time tu, menyirap je bila trima balasan sms dari si dia yg berbunyi "ntah, papo jelah..." suma msg tu pendek2 belaka, tak sama taraf ngan sms berjela yg kita antar. Aku dah melalui menda camtuh. MEmula-mula-mula, aku bengang juge. Mmg leh wat gado. Sbb aku rasa aku ni diabaikan. Tapi, itu adalah mereka. Mereka adalah lelaki. Takleh nak ubah soh diorg ikut cara kita. Maybe bleh ubah jadi sensetif dan peka, tapi boleh SIKITTTTTT je.

KAlau dia tak sms lansung, jgn le amik hati. Kalau dia hari tu tak bercakap sepatah, anggap je lah dia tgh berfikir. Jgn diganggu. Redha... di hati mesti kena ada. Rasa ikhlas berkasih sayang, tu pun kena ada jugak. Kalau tak, payah le. Dah namanye perempuan, kenalah beralah. Jgn disebut pasal ego. Lelaki dan ego, mmg takleh nak wakpe. BUt, pompuan pon ada ego. Cuma cara macam lain la. Toksah le marah2 kalu dia taknak mintak maap ke hape.... Buat bodoh je. Satu je cara taknak bagi hati semak kalau berhadapan ngan lelaki yg ego terlebih ni, buat bodoh je. NAk tau kenapa...?

Kalau perempuan, menangis atau pun mengada-ngada lebih sbb nak kan attention... LELAKI PULAK GUNAKAN EGO DIA UTK DAPATKAN ATTENTION AWEK DIA. SO.... kalau awek dia dok mengongoi je marahkan dia sbb tak kasi attention, dan mamat tu lak buat tatau je and then awek dia kata "EGOLAH AWAK NI, SUSAH SGT KE NAK TUNJUK KASIH SYG AWAK TU???" maka TING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LELAKI ITU SUDAH SCORE seploh markah di situ. Ego menang. Nangih2, KALAH. Booooooo..............!~

So, blajar buat tatau je pasni OK.

Aku sudah tinggal sebulan lagi nak bersalin. Dan aku masih lagi sorang2. Ada sesetengah org yg mengeluh stress, tak berani nak cakap kuat2 depan aku sbb aku ni lagi layak kot nak stress berbanding org lain. Aku tak pernah sekali pun menyesal dgn keputusan aku. Aku masih berdiri dan dgn bangganye tersenyum , aku leh survive. Aku leh pi mana dan buat apa je yg aku suka sekalipun tiada suami di sebelah. Tak ada dia di sebelah aku, tak bermakna dia tak syg dan tak amik berat pasal aku. Dan, ada masa hatiku terganggu.... dek emosi yg tak terkawal, aku tak pernah sekali pun mempersoalkan "Kenapa Tuhan uji aku begini..." atau " Kenapa asyik aku je yg kena uji macam ni..."

Sebab.... aku rasa aku tak layak nak cakap camtu pun. AKU YG PILIH MENDA NI. dan aku kena harungi juga walau macamana susah pun sbb ini adalah apa yg aku pillih. Kalau aku takut, dah lama aku back off.

Doa dan redha asben kat sana, buat aku selamat kat sini. Ada masa, aku rindu sampai tetiba menitik jugak le air mata ni. Atas tikar semayang tu, lunyai dah dgn air mata. Bukan menangisi nasib, tapi sbb rindu tak terkata dah. Tapi, pesan ustaz2, nangih time solat nih bagus. Doa selalu terkabul kalu mintak sambil nangih. Tak kisah la nangih sbb apa pun. Tau apa aku slalu mintak bila doa?

Ya ALLAH, kuatkan lah hati aku. Teguhkan jiwa aku. Sihatkan aku dan anak yg aku kandung. Mudahkanlah perjalanan hidup aku. Sesungguhnya aku redha dengan apa yg kau beri. Aku bersyukur di atas nikmat kehidupan dan kasih sayang yg kau bagi. Jauhkan lah aku dari hati yg hitam. Jernihkanlah wajahku supaya org tak susah hati bila terpandang wajah aku.

dan pada suami aku doakan keselamatannya dunia dan akhirat. Sihatkanlah tubuh badannya utk mencari rezeki. Kuatkan lah jiwanya... tingkatkan kesabarannya. Teguhkan Imannya. Dan permudahkanlah segala jalan untuk dia dalam mencari redha-Mu.

Ku pohon redha-Mu. Bantulah kami. Lindungilah kami dari fitnah dan panahan mata org yg jahat. Dam berilah kami rezeki yg tidak ternampak di hadapan mata kami. Amin~

Kalau dah duduk sengsorang, dan semuanya kena buat sniri.... Jangan la rasa sedih. Skang ni zaman teknologi. Leh men fesbuk bagai. Dan bila hati tgh sedih, mengadulah pada-NYA. Lepas tu, baru mengadu kat balai polis yg berhampiran!

18 Jul 2009

RAHSIA SOLAT 5 WAKTU

Subject: Rahsia Solat Awal Waktu

Setiap peralihan waktu solat sebenarnya menunjukkan perubahan tenaga alam ini yang boleh diukur dan dicerap melalui perubahan warna alam. Aku rasa fenomena perubahan warna alam adalah sesuatu yang tidak asing bagi mereka yang terlibat dalam bidang fotografi.
Sebagai contoh, pada waktu Subuh alam berada dalam spektrum warna biru muda yang bersamaan dengan frekuensi tiroid yang mempengaruhi sistem metabolisma tubuh. Jadi warna biru muda atau waktu Subuh mempunyai rahsia berkaitan dengan penawar/rezeki dan komunikasi.
Mereka yang kerap tertinggal waktu Subuhnya ataupun terlewat secara berulang-ulang kali, lama kelamaan akan menghadapi masalah komunikasi dan rezeki. Ini kerana tenaga alam iaitu biru muda tidak dapat diserap oleh tiroid yang mesti berlaku dalam keadaan roh dan jasad bercantum (keserentakan ruang dan masa) - dalam erti kata lain jaga daripada tidur. Disini juga dapat kita cungkil akan rahsia diperintahkan solat diawal waktu. Bermulanya saja azan Subuh, tenaga alam pada waktu itu berada pada tahap optimum. Tenaga inilah yang akan diserap oleh tubuh melalui konsep resonan pada waktu rukuk dan sujud. Jadi mereka yang terlewat Subuhnya sebenar sudah mendapat tenaga yang tidak optimum lagi.
Warna alam seterusnya berubah ke warna hijau (isyraq & dhuha) dan kemudian warna kuning menandakan masuknya waktu Zohor. Spektrum warna pada waktu ini bersamaan dengan frekuensi perut dan hati yang berkaitan dengan sistem penghadaman. Warna kuning ini mempunyai rahsia yang berkaitan dengan keceriaan. Jadi mereka yang selalu ketinggalan atau terlewat Zuhurnya berulang-ulang kali dalam hidupnya akan menghadapi masalah di perut dan hilang sifat cerianya. Orang yang tengah sakit perut ceria tak ?
Kemudian warna alam akan berubah kepada warna oren, iaitu masuknya waktu Asar di mana spektrum warna pada waktu ini bersamaan dengan frekuensi prostat, uterus, ovari dan testis yang merangkumi sistem reproduktif. Rahsia warna oren ialah kreativiti. Orang yang kerap tertinggal Asar akan hilang daya kreativitinya dan lebih malang lagi kalau di waktu Asar ni jasad dan roh seseorang ini terpisah (tidur la tu .). Dan jangan lupa, tenaga pada waktu Asar ni amat diperlukan oleh organ-organ reproduktif kita
Menjelang waktu Maghrib, alam berubah ke warna merah dan di waktu ini kita kerap dinasihatkan oleh orang-orang tua agar tidak berada di luar rumah. Ini kerana spektrum warna pada waktu ini menghampiri frekuensi jin dan iblis (infra-red) dan ini bermakna jin dan iblis pada waktu ini amat bertenaga kerana mereka resonan dengan alam. Mereka yang sedang dalam perjalanan juga seelok-eloknya berhenti dahulu pada waktu ini (solat Maghrib dulu la .) kerana banyak interferens (pembelauan) berlaku pada waktu ini yang boleh mengelirukan mata kita. Rahsia waktu Maghrib atau warna merah ialah keyakinan, pada frekuensi otot, saraf dan tulang.
Apabila masuk waktu Isyak, alam berubah ke warna Indigo dan seterusnya memasuki fasa Kegelapan. Waktu Isyak ini menyimpan rahsia ketenteraman dan kedamaian di mana frekuensinya bersamaan dengan sistem kawalan otak. Mereka yang kerap ketinggalan Isyaknya akan selalu berada dalam kegelisahan. Alam sekarang berada dalam Kegelapan dan sebetulnya, inilah waktu tidur dalam Islam. Tidur pada waktu ini dipanggil tidur delta dimana keseluruhan sistem tubuh berada dalam kerehatan. Selepas tengah malam, alam mula bersinar kembali dengan warna putih, merah jambu dan seterusnya ungu di mana ianya bersamaan dengan frekuensi kelenjar pineal, pituitari, talamus dan hipotalamus. Tubuh sepatutnya bangkit kembali pada waktu ini dan dalam Islam waktu ini dipanggil Qiamullail.
Begitulah secara ringkas perkaitan waktu solat dengan warna alam. Manusia kini sememangnya telah sedar akan kepentingan tenaga alam ini dan inilah faktor adanya bermacam-macam kaedah meditasi yang dicipta seperti taichi, qi-gong dan sebagainya. Semuanya dicipta untuk menyerap tenaga-tenaga alam ke sistem tubuh. Kita sebagai umat Islam sepatutnya bersyukur kerana telah di'kurniakan' syariat solat oleh Allah s.w.t tanpa perlu kita memikirkan bagaimana hendak menyerap tenaga alam ini. Hakikat ini seharusnya menginsafkan kita bahawa Allah s.w.t mewajibkan solat ke atas hambanya atas sifat pengasih dan penyayang-Nya sebagai pencipta kerana Dia tahu hamba-Nya ini amat-amat memerlukannya. Adalah amat malang sekali bagi kumpulan manusia yang amat cuai dalam menjaga solatnya tapi amat berdisiplin dalam menghadiri kelas taichinya.

17 Jul 2009

SOMETHING TO PONDER....

This story has really touched my heart!!!

This is for all the single, married, divorced, widowed individuals, who take life for granted. Please, read this story until the end, it is such an opener.


You never Know.........!


Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother".

Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it". Mother stopped saying anything.

But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again. One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house.

During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.

Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.

The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?

Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hitsme. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion ... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."........


This is a true story.
LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!
I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as patience.... This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a life free of grudge. People please let's live a life devoid of grudge. Communication is key.

Take greatest care and live on.

11 Jul 2009

I'm not a bitch, I just have a low tolerance for bullshit.

"I'm not a bitch, I just have a low tolerance for bullshit."

You never let anyone push you around and you say it how it is no matter what. A lot of people hate you for that but who cares? They're just jealous cause you won't let ANYONE push you around.


9 Jul 2009

32 weeks...

Hari ni aku cuti sakit lagi. I had a mild athma attack. It was expected eventually since my fever and flu wasn't cured. Camana nak baik kalu tak makan ubat ye dak?

Taking medication is the last thing I would do during time like this. I'm scared I'll hurt baby Auni. Nak ambil Paracetamol pun tak mau though doc dah banyak kali cakap it's ok to take when you need.

And last, after answerin's phone call, my tummy suddenly hardening. My eyes turned redish, swelled and watery. My head burned and I felt some contractions down there though it was non-rythamic and unpredictable. Aku panik!

I grabbed my car key and rush to the clinik , yg slalu aku pergi la. Suara pun dah tak da. Nak batuk ngan bersin pun dah tak larat. Asik kencing ja. I haven't slept for 2 days due to nasal and throat soreness. Lagi plak, masa skang ni posisi apa je yg selesa utk aku tido. Kenkadang aku tido bersandar aje. Baru nak lelap, dah terjaga sbb nak kencing.

Doc knew I was restless and worry. He asked me to calm down take medication as prescribed. Uphadyl, piriton and paracetamol. Ada la lozenges perasa oren, utk tekak aku yg gatal2. Badan aku dah berpeluh2 walaupun dlm klnik tu sejuk giloh. Haiih....

Aku balik....
mata dah ngantuk. Auni dah tak sepak2 lagi. Aku rasa dia pun stone sama cam aku gak. Kesian dia. Anyway, aku bangun jam 6 pagi, tido tanpa terjaga. Akhirnya aku dpt tido juga....

I reached 8 months now. sebulan je lagi.....
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